"Diabetes Starts Here": Job Searching In Candyland

This is for my Peeps

I am good at taking orders and doing the same thing countless times a day until it’s rote. If that same thing includes pressing a button or saying the same mindless line more times than anyone but Raymond Babbitt can count, so much the better. In honor of my sudden and inexplicable foray into veganism (http://ainsleydrew.blogspot.com/) I decided to look for a job related to the last non-vegan food item I consumed: blue bunny marshmallow Peeps.

Just Born’s facility is in Pennsylvania, so already this is requiring relocation to an area I’m not really willing to call home. Pennsylvania, to me, has two things working against it, namely the Amish and the 76ers without Allen Iverson. Moreover, there’s something pretty creepy about a state having not one but two huge candy making factories. The state slogan should be You’ve Got Diabetes in Pennsylvania.*

That said, pumping marshmallow goo out of a machine while wearing a hairnet sounds kind of fun. And you have to get some sort of wicked sugar high from breathing in corn syrup fumes for eight hours a day. Besides, job perks would include free samples and the smug satisfaction you’d get at a bar with the line, “I can make you candy in six minutes.” (In 1953 it took twenty-seven hours to create a single Peep, nowadays it takes six minutes. The wonders of technology.) I wouldn’t be embarrassed to go to my ten year high-school reunion and say that I make Peeps. Honestly.

The problem is that apparently it’s just as rad of a job as I think it is. Out of all 530 associates they’re only hiring for three positions at the moment and all of them are dry as hell, such as Financial Analyst (“The projections for lavender Bunnies are in and they’re down, people. Seriously, if we’re going to get back up to the numbers we were at when green Chicks launched we are going to have to do some serious strategizing.”) and Mechanical Design Engineer. Well, it’s to be expected if your job title is Marshmallow Packer, Hand Stamper, or Panner you probably don’t want to give it up too easy. Not to mention that on the Just Born website they either intentionally or unintentionally have made a witty little career description: Are you motivated by encouragement to stretch, grow, develop; and become the best you can be? (Original punctuation kept.) Yes, they put stretch. For a job at a marshmallow candy making factory. Cute.

So much for being able to annoy my confectionary co-workers with manic, incessant giggling of the word, “Sweeeet!”

* Pennsylvania’s actual state slogans are “America Starts Here” and “You’ve Got a Friend in Pennsylvania.”

You've Got Diabetes in Pennsylvania