Sexual Chocolate

I hate Valentine’s Day, which I know is a cliché. It’s like hating the Lakers or Creed. Everybody hates Valentine’s Day.

The only way I can suffer through the commercialized display of pressured gift giving and the frantic reserving of a table for two is to pretend that the holiday is all about bumping uglies, which is basically how I slog through every day. I imagine the overly-starched suit holding hands with his gift-hungry lady, passing her a pink-paper wrapped box after feeding her chocolate fondue. She’s imagining diamond earrings, but this kiss does not begin with Kay. Instead, inside the box, she finds the Sqweel, or bejeweled nipple clamps. This sort of vivid imagining is the only way to endure the statistic that 53% of women would break up with their boyfriend if he didn’t get her something for Valentine’s Day.

Other than being a perv, I’ve found that an effective way of approaching topics that I scoff at is to integrate numbers and facts. For instance, there’s Simon’s favorite detail from last year: On Valentine’s Day 2009, the #1 Google search term was Olive Garden. The top ten included Longhorn Steakhouse, Texas Roadhouse, Applebees, Red Lobster, and Outback, ’cause nothing says "Please give me a holiday mandated blowjob" quite like a Bloomin’ Onion. Search term #45 was "boobie miles," which is always saved in my Internet search history. Also in the top 100? Venereal disease. Stay classy, Google.

On average, people are expected to spend $103 on Valentine’s Day. That is ridiculous, and that’s also down 5% from last year. Men are the big spenders, anticipated to fork over $133, while the cervixes in their life are only expected to spend $72. Of course, the percentage of individuals expected to celebrate by boning is equal, with 25% of both genders banking on bonking.

To be a perv once more, this percentage seems low to me. Really? Only 25% of people polled expect to get laid on the so-called holiday of love? Maybe they only polled people over the age of 60. But even then, there’s always Viagra, Cialis, and whatever other pills come with the dreaded and completely unwelcome threat of a four hour long erection.

Let’s calculate the stats as to why younger women should bump that percentage at least to a healthy half: There are roughly 120 single men in their 20s for every 100 single ladies in that same age range. YOU OUTNUMBER US BY 20. Which means that we get our pick. (Or, in a bisexual’s case, there are a solid 220 for every one.) Of course, in my newfound hometown of New York, single ladies outnumber gents by over 210,000. Hey, it’s a small island.

Nearly 36 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolate were hocked in 2008, but cramming your lover full of cocoa wasn’t always a romantic gesture. In France, centuries ago, chocolate was labelled a "barbarous and noxious drug," which is probably a line that Jillian Michaels uses on The Biggest Loser. The French court only warmed up to chocolate as medicine, and it had to be deemed a worthy potion by the Paris faculty of medicine for it to even get that popular. In fact, Pope Pius V decreed chocolate so gross, he told his followers that drinking it wouldn’t break the communion fast. So back in the 1500s, cocoa was considered a romantic no-no. I can only imagine that this is the whole premise of that book Why French Women Don’t Get Fat.

Time traveling back to the aughts, 15% of all men in the U.S. have paid for sex in a more direct manner. Of course, dinner and some long-stemmed roses for 133 bucks is cheaper than the $540 a high-end escort can cost for a date. And here are some more numbers to make cozying up to your sweetie that much more unsavory:

  • 57% of dudes admit to cheating, while 54% of ladies admit to infidelity.
  • 74% of men say they’d cheat if they knew they could get away with it, compared to 68% of women who said they’d do the same. (I hate to say it, but I think these numbers are bullshit. I can’t imagine less than 3/4 of everybody saying they’d do it if they wouldn’t get caught.)
  • 17% of divorces in America are due to infidelity.
  • 10% of affairs last only one day, with the average length of an affair being 2 years.
  • And if you’re a piece on the side, don’t get your hopes up. Only 3% of men divorce their wives and marry their mistresses.

Geeks, beware. 46% of guys think that on-line affairs count as adultery, too. Considering that the average online dating bachelor or bachelorette spends $239 per year on the service, you’d best hope that there’s some sort of ROI.

Hopefully that 25% of sexpectant individuals will be smart and be safe and not turn V-Day into STD Day: Durex says its sales spike 20-30% around Valentine’s Day. A less positive statistic? There are more home pregnancy tests purchased in March compared to any other month. Be wary of warts, too. It’s estimated that at least 50% of all sexually active men and women will get human papillomavirus (HPV) during the course of their quest for intercourse. There are two types of HPV: low-risk and high-risk, with high-risk being the one that can cause cervical cancer and other nastiness. Fortunately, in 90% of HPV cases, the body’s immune system will kill off the disease within two years, meaning that by V-Day 2014, you’ll be HPV free and just another statistic.

For those of you looking to be fruitful and multiply this long Valentine’s Day weekend, this little tidbit will make having another mouth to feed in your family of four pale in comparison. Back in Russia in the 18th century, a woman set a record that still hasn’t been broken. She had 69 kids. That’s 27 pregnancies, sixteen pairs of twins, seven sets of triplets, and four sets of quadruplets. She also could park the family mini-van inside of her vagina. That big mama was topped by the Guinness Book’s big papa, a Moroccan emperor who spunked himself 867 kids (that’s 342 daughters and 525 sons.)

As for the rest of us looking to knock boots, let’s add some notches to our bedposts. In a survey of people between the ages of 20 and 59, women only averaged four sex partners in their lives, while men had an average of seven. I’m hoping that they were all lying, otherwise statistics show that I am a very big slut.

75% of men always reach orgasm during sex (let’s make it 100% this weekend, guys,) while only 29% of chicks hit the peak. No more faking, ladies, even though this might be the day where the most public displays of deception take place. 15% of women send flowers to themselves, so don’t get overcome with jealousy when you’re snotty coworker gets a delivery from FTD.

As for some of my favorite stats and facts that I found along my journey to quell the seething I feel for every paper heart and jewelry store commercial, these are a few humdingers.

One out of ten married adults typically sleep alone. That means that 12% of your friends on Facebook, the ones who gushed about their change in status and posted an album called "Our Big Day," they’re actually solo sleepers.

3% of pet owners will buy presents for their pets. Snack  gets gifts regularly, and from her appearance you’d assume she consumes a box of cordial cherries a day.

The average erect penis is five to seven inches long, with a four to six inch circumference. That means that the average penis is the size of the average blue ringed octopus, only the venom of that cephalopod will kill you, as opposed to simply staining your sheets. (Fun fact about the blue ringed octopus: The males will try to mate with one another, and sometimes they only succeed in humping the females by blinding them. The lady blue rings are often observed removing the males by force.)

Of course, my vitriol about V-Day is a bit of preaching to the choir. One in four Americans don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day at all. But don’t let the holiday itself make you sick, after all, February 14th was the date that penicillin was discovered, back in 1929.

I leave you with the greatest web video Vamlumtime of all time, courtesy of Homestar Runner’s Teen Girl Squad. Happy Humping.