This week, I strapped on my jet-pack and embraced the woo. While it was less physically taxing than my previous series of encounters, it required a whole lot of tongue-biting and restraint. By the end of the week I found myself tentatively sipping the Kool-Aid.
I’m not going to ask what’s the harm? but I will share that, in my recent experience, the people who hold the most widely-challenged beliefs, the ones whose lives are filled with practices that make perfect dry kindling for skeptic fodder, seem a helluva lot happier than most cynics I know. Maybe there’s something to those crystal wands and synth-and-rainstick-studded soundtracks. But while I might be on board when it comes to deep breathing and trying to get in touch with some inner ether, but I’m still not going to believe that hovering your hands over me is going to fix anything. And I had women do that to me this week. Twice.
Additionally, the project created its first massive shift in my perception when it comes to a key decision for my future. But I’m not giving away the full monty just yet. You’ll have to check in again at the end, which will be next week’s post, if I survive the last few encounters. They’re going to be more confrontational on a physical scale, but less so on my so-called astral plane.
Oh, and this week marked the first time during the project that Atlantis was brought up – in all seriousness – as an actual place. And I’m not talking about the resort in the Bahamas.
Traditional Thai Massage with Herbal Compress*
Quick take: A really intense massage, as performed by a former semi-truck driver. Thai massage is recognized as an actual extension of medicine in Thailand. My experience incorporated vigorous stretching, prodding, and the manipulation of my body into positions often associated with Cirque du Soleil and the pile driver.
Anxiety: Went home, went to sleep. As invigorating as Thai massage is supposed to be, this made me nap. Insert happy ending joke here. Good stuff.
Healing Crystal Massage (Heated Selenite Crystals + Cooled Marble Stones)
Quick take: I had a hot girl get my rocks off…sort of. The real magic is trying to figure out how the hell someone can hold searingly hot stones and rub another person without both bodies being burned. The cool marble bits felt amazing. The whole thing was like the kinkiest version of sensory play for Mormons.
Anxiety: I can report feeling like less of a neurotic ball of shakes afterward. And I’m beginning to actually have taste in new age music. Garth Stevenson’s Flying isn’t half-bad.
Guided Meditation with Crystals
Quick take: As per the suggestions of a model-gorgeous, metaphysics-obsessed new age aficionado, I lay down with some hematite and amethyst in order to “detoxify” and “ground” my “root chakra.” There was a bit of initial talk about the celestial spheres and magnetism and toxins. I bought a bunch of pretty rocks and then drank a Diet Pepsi to up my toxic quotient.
Anxiety: Hard not to laugh when laying down with some stones on you, all while trying to visualize a color and listening to “chakra balancing” chants that sound like Philip Glass’ younger brother trapped an unfinished basement with a bottle of absinthe and a Casio. But I did have a marked up-tick in stress when I realized that I had spent $25 on rocks.
Quick take: A cute girl laid her hands on me for an hour, what did you do with your Wednesday? I tried to suspend my disbelief and drifted off to sleep while a stranger practiced this “hands-on healing technique from Japan that is a means of transcendent life force.” Otherwise known as REM sleep.
Anxiety: After I got over the initial awkwardness that comes from sleeping in front of someone, I was unconscious. Sleeping relieves anxiety! Until you realize that you just took a really expensive nap. Also, I was told afterward to drink a lot of water to “help the body detoxify.” While I can get on board flushing out my endocrine system when it comes to something vigorous, like working out, deep-tissue massage, or a two-day bender with a girl named Heidi, I’m not sure what hitting the seltzer is going to do for me after this “Reiki Master” basically held my hand for a complete sixty.
Quick take: If reiki was the WWE, CranioSacral Therapy is MMA. They’re similar, but this was more intense, at least with regard to where the chick put her paws. I’ve had boyfriends who’ve lingered around my crotch and ass for cumulatively less time.
Anxiety: Because my blood sugar was low, or because I had been on my back, or because of some meningeal-based energy readjustment if you believe in that sort of thing, I almost passed out when I stood up and had to lay back down. (In medicine, this is known as a vasovagal response or neurocardiogenic syncope. To others it could be known as making contact with the astral plane or past-life regression. Take your pick.) So my anxiety was worse, but I don’t think it was the nice lady’s fault.
* The Thai massage was supposed to incorporate Luk Pra Kob, or a medicinal herbal compress, but the massage therapist’s FryDaddy was stolen, so he couldn’t steam them. (Not kidding.) I’ll be receiving the Luk Pra Kob treatment next week, and I’ll report back on how it goes.