How do I do this again?

After nineteen months, here I am. A little older, none the wiser, with a handful of stories and a useless second college degree. Tomorrow is the New York State Massage Therapy Examination, commonly referred to as “the boards” among my peers for reasons that I can only assume have to do with the amount of letters in the word ‘examination’ or the fact that ‘boards’ makes it sound a bit more legit than “examination on arbitrary facts that  have nothing to do with rubbing in order to prevent prostitution in New York State.”

Among our requirements to sit for the exam are 1000 hours of education, which includes 150 hours of practice on a person, a CPR course that has been completed within three years prior to licensure, and being of good moral character. That last one seems pretty subjective. If I were them, I wouldn’t let me sit for the test. However, I have rubbed at least 150 pairs of scaly senior citizen feet in the school’s teaching clinic. My gag reflex is suffering from hyporeflexia.

When I stepped away from the keyboard and decided to shut down the site, I’d been teaching yoga, living alone in an oversized, delapadated house in a ritzy suburb, and had ressigned myself to a life of chastity and reformed misanthropy, where I’d eventually settle down with my New York State License and my two hands, dedicating my life to some murky, half-baked goal of “helping people feel better” and “something, something, health, good.” Um, I think you could guess how that worked out.

I’ve moved closer to the highway.

I’ve started masturbating again.

I perfected my sneer.

I no longer even breathe deeply enough to say yoga, let alone bend myself into a position where I could fit inside of your luggage.

And I’ve decided to start writing again.

Whether or not I pass the test tomorrow remains to be seen. Results are issued within six weeks. If I fail, I could theoretically take it again in January, but it’s more likely that my pride and impatience would usurp any motivation. Regardless, it looks like I may start spilling some pixelated ink again. I have to ask, is this thing on…?