By now you probably know that the vibrator was invented as a medical device to cure women of hysteria. "Pelvic massage" and "vulvular stimulation" were considered to be a bit of a meddlesome time-suck to most doctors, so Dr. George Taylor invented a steam-powered machine called the "Manipulator." May his soul rest in peace. In 1880, the first electromechanical model was released, followed by Hamilton Beach’s 1902 electric vibrator, which was the first self-massager released to the retail market. An interesting bit of trivia to think about as you hum towards "hysterical paroxysm," the vibrator was the fifth domestic appliance to be electrified. It’s the predecessor to the vacuum and the iron, which leads me to believe that those other two were invented to keep women busy in a different manner.

These days, vibrators are sold at Walmart. Stores that hock sex toys are featured in the news. Shows like Sex and the City have featured devices like the Rabbit, resulting in skyrocketing sales and more cheerful ladies. Toys are no longer taboo, which is good, because I think that public recognition of sexuality can only be a good thing. But whenever something once considered sassy goes mainstream, there’s usually a boomerang effect by way of consumerism. Which is to say that, even in this economy, there are vibrators that cost more than one month’s rent. I have seen them. On the Internet as well as in a glass case, mere inches away from my grubby paws. I don’t find them impressive. They certainly don’t induce female hysteria.

To me, the Jimmyjane "luxe" line looks like the Ed Hardy tee-shirt of vibrators. It’s probably the etchings, or maybe the pretentious copy and obnoxious cost. The Ultimate Members six pack is $1,650 and looks like an adorable little rainbow from a distance, until you notice that they’ve been emblazoned with portraits of glorified ravers. Each is etched with an artist’s representation of kids from the London nightclub scene that look like stills from a Gorillaz video. Their Little Steel Tonight Eternity ($2,000) features an etching of lyrics written by that guy from the Eurythmics and 28 "stone cut" black diamonds. My sweet dreams are not made of that. The Little Platinum comes in two different varieties ($395 or $445), one that’s simply motorized metal, and the other that’s etched with a heart and a scroll. The Little Gold, which is currently on sale for only $158, or $375 for the limited edition, is made of 24K gold, but looks pretty much the same as their other models, only this one is covered in karats. The last luxe Jimmyjane that I’ve seen is the Eternity, which is a lot like the Little Steel Tonight Eternity, only without that whole weird Eurythmics thing. This vibrator looks like something that only belongs in Paris Hilton’s vaginal canal, and I don’t mean that in a good way. It’s 24K gold with a circle of diamonds around the tip, totaling .66 carats. My pussy might be priceless, but I am not putting rocks near it. Nuh-uh. Besides, with a $2,750 price tag for gold, or a $3,250 price tag for platinum, it seems more than a little ridiculous. For $3.99 and the cost of some bubble bath I can have the same sort of fun with the lights off in my tub, since Jimmyjane’s draw seems to be the fact that their toys are waterproof and quiet. (Note: I have never used a Jimmyjane vibrator, but any toy I’ve bought that was labeled as "quiet" was only comparing itself to a Def Leppard concert or a construction zone.) They also come with a rechargeable motor, which makes it seem more like a lawnmower than an intimacy device.

I’m not going to completely skewer Jimmyjane’s product line. Their Form 2, which looks like a cartoon tooth, seems particularly awesome, and I’ve had the pleasure of fiddling with it in Babeland’s store. It’s also waterproof, rechargeable, flexible, and under $200, which seems like a steal compared to those other ones. Also, the company’s founder, Ethan Imboden, is a skateboarding designer who blogs for Huffington Post. And he’s hot. So although his company’s vibrators will never see my secret cabinet, good for him for making sex toys that are fancy enough to be written about in fashion magazines and sold for the same price as a home entertainment center.

Another "ultra-luxe" line of toys are by Lelo. They include the Lelo Olga, which looks like a futuristic weapon for a robot police officer. Shaped like a car door handle, it will set you back $790 for gold, or $390 for the silver model. It would probably cost just as much to rig a time machine and zoom to the future, where you can befriend a cyborg cop to lend you his metal billyclub. Whether or not it vibrates won’t matter, as the Lelo Olga isn’t a machine, but simply a piece of metal. Lelo Yva, however, is a gilded vibrator. For $1,500 for gold, or $1,300 for silver, you can have a "splashproof" and rechargeable vibrator made out of the same stuff as jewelry. Not to confine it to the ladies, Lelo has a toy named Earl. Also plated in precious metal, it’s accompanied by a set of cufflinks. (Not kidding.) For $590 for silver and $990 for gold, he’d best be wearing those cufflinks to work the next morning to pay off the credit card bill.

For the record, Lelo isn’t simply a producer of glitzy personal pleasure tools. They’re a great Swedish company with a line of vibrators and toys that are perfectly suited for people who don’t want to put a smutty Tiffany’s purchase in their orifices. Even though they’re a bit out of my price range, the Nea has been on my wish list for a while now. My birthday just passed. Hint, hint.

Other than Jimmyjane and Lelo’s bank-breaking extravagances, an Australian jeweler was rumored to be designing a million-dollar vibrator just last year. Colin Burn has already created a $38,000 platinum dildo set with 400 pave diamonds and a handle made from a rare native wood. (Heh.) He also has a cheaper model, a diamond-studded dildo peppered with diamonds and crowned with a pearl that retails for $8,000. Who buys this shit? Really. I want to know what possesses somebody to shove something made of diamonds into their most tender bits. Or maybe that’s the point, something precious for something precious. Either way, I find these ostentatious implements to be a bit of a turn off. I’m a jeans-and-tee-shirt type of gal. I’m picky about a handful of things: my bed, books, the company I keep. The thought of putting something expensive in a situation that is, by nature, messy and unpredictable just sounds like some sort of scam created by an insurance company. No thank you.

But since I can’t solve this mystery myself, and because I don’t think I’m going to get a chance to see what 24K gold feels like inside of my body, I wrote to the manufacturers and retailers to find out the answer to the question why? Why would anyone buy something like this? What prompts a company to sell sex toys made out of such costly materials? And have they experienced any sort of backlash during economic times when most people find themselves struggling just to be able to take someone out on a date that may or may not lead to the use of a sex toy? Even though sex toy sales are still soaring one can’t help but wonder if these luxurious playthings are just a misunderstood version of a stimulus package, or an inadvertent slap in the face (and other parts) to the downtrodden.

I’m still waiting to hear back, and if I do, I’ll post whatever sort of gold nuggets come from my interaction with the makers of invaluable implements. I don’t know about you, but $38,000 is enough for me to live off of for a year. My vagina will be just as happy with a battery operated piece of low-grade plastic. Hell, if I’m really feeling like treating her to an expensive night out, maybe I’ll just take a roll of quarters down to the laundromat and sit on an industrial dryer.